Image from ParentDish
Here i am writing a post with tears running down my cheeks.
It's night 2 of "crying it out" sleeping method. Was it less then 30mins? No but considering yesterday it took PP 40 minutes to cry her heart out before sleeping, today 30 mins for her to achieve that should be considered a step forward, right? Somehow i'm not feeling that good about this "achievement".
Yesterday it was all "toughen up toughen up. its for your own and PP's own good".
Today it was "i'm sorry sweetheart. i'm so sorry baby".
Again i used the "compasionate" way. I gave her feeding until she starts to arch her back. Refusing anymore milk. She was rocked and i sang lullabies. She rub her face and eyes, giving me hints she was sleepy but refusing to sleep. I decided to put her to bed. and the screams begin. I checked on her every 5 mins, to soothe her, talk to her softly, stroke her back to let her know i am around. out of sight but still near her. But i still feel as if i am hurting her emotionally whenever i move away from her sight when she cries even louder.
The shrieks and cries turned loud whimpers and then to sniffles and soft sobbings. Towards the end, that's when i begin to wonder is it all worth it? for PP and for me? The heartbreak to listen to her sniffle while finally drifting to sleep out of tiredness?
She sleeps clutching at the edge of her cot, right hand clutching tight to the bottom of the rail, protruding out from the side bumper, her face right to the bumper and her left hand clutching the top of the rail. Her small body would occasionally let out a sob and a sniffle or two. leftovers from before. i stood watching her, waiting for her to drift deeper into sleep before i can move her, making sure she can breathe. all i wanted to do then was to pick her up, hug her tight and tell her how sorry mummy is. that i love her. but i know i shouldn't so i just waited. and moved her when finally her grip relaxed on the cot rail, leaned in, and kissed her repeatedly. all while shedding the tears i was witholding before.
Am i a bad mother for doing this? My own mother been lecturing me about this. "This is not the Asian way. The westerners are heartless to do this. You wait until later, she will not be a happy child". I admit, her words doesn't help my already guilty conscience. I am really a bad guilty mother? Should i stop?
"you must be 100% committed to cry it out for it to really work... it can’t really be an option to change your mind, otherwise, you go backwards and might even make things worse" The baby sleep site
I know others felt the same way. I read them. I can understand them. But it doesn't stop the immense guilt. Doesn't stop it at all. but I've tried everything else. This is the last choice. and now we are committed. This feeling will haunt me for a long time.