I’m not a virgin to blogging but starting new have always been a struggle.
The first word. The first sentence. The first line of thoughts streaming out of your head through your fingers, always with pauses. Hesitations. Uncertainties.
Much like having a baby. Uncertainties of thoughts. Endless questions filled with anxiety and uncertainties.
Thoughts that goes such as
“is she having enough milk?” “do i have enough milk?” “am i producing enough milk?” basically a lot of milk based questions.
And then of course the solid food questions.
“is it time for her to have solid food?” “is she ready?” “why doesn’t she like Rusk!?” “Wait she loved Rusk. Maybe she’s bored with Rusk?”
And the disgustingly important bowel and bladder related questions.
“Was i suppose to count how many times she wee today?” “well, is her diaper wet for it to be changed?” “its been 3 hours, it should be wet, right?” “why is her poo green?!”
Of course the others,
“why is she crying?” “is she bored?” “should we get her a new toy?” “why is she still crying?!” “is she hot?” “is she cold?”
Then there’s the unamountable questions of you being a good mother. The one that hits at every mother since the beginning of time (i hope for my own sanity). The “i’m a bad mummy. i’m a guilty mummy”even though you know, you try your baddest badass moves to be the bestest mother ever lived.
For nearly 6 months after and further 9 months before PP’s birth, the questions have been there. hanging. answered. questioned again. doubts again. anxieties about everything and anything clings and mounts above on top of the other. This Mummy, have to vent. Regularly. At 5 AM. So she can stop worrying about PP. About her own state of mind. About her marriage. About friends. About Life. and just sleep at 5 AM in the morning and not just think!
So that my friends, after much procrastination. i realise, i NEED to start writing again. Welcome back to me.